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  She pulled into the drive and Frank, who’d obviously been waiting for them, was out of the front door before she’d even turned off the engine.

  ‘Becca!’ he called as she got out of the car, delight shining in his eyes, and she felt a new twinge of guilt for leaving it too long between visits. ‘Kate did mention you might come, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up.’ He bent to peer through the car window, no doubt looking for his granddaughter. ‘I know it’s tricky with Mia in the car.’

  Becca gave him a hug, the familiar smell of Old Spice filling her nostrils. Without warning, her eyes prickled, tears springing from nowhere, and she tensed, pushing away from him before she started crying. That wouldn’t do at all. Then there’d be all sorts of questions to answer, and her dad was not a fan of Dean. She’d never got a straight answer as to why exactly but thought it was probably to do with the fact that Dean had been keen to get married and find a place of their own, taking her away from Frank when he was quite dependent on her for emotional support. Things could get out of hand very quickly and turn into a situation where she was defending Dean; her dad would get all offended that she wasn’t listening to him, and then… She checked her thoughts, told herself to get a grip and opened the back door to coax a sleepy Mia out of the car.

  ‘Hello, poppet,’ Frank said, holding out his arms for a hug.

  Mia’s face lit up. ‘Dandad!’ she squealed, squirming out of Becca’s arms and reaching for Frank, who picked her up and clasped her to him. ‘How did you get here?’

  He laughed. ‘I’ve always been here. You’re at my house.’

  Mia looked surprised, then squinted at Becca. ‘How did that happen, Mummy?’

  ‘You fell asleep and we came in the car, and you didn’t feel even a little bit sick.’ Becca hoped this experience might help Mia to feel less nervous about travelling in the car in future, which would be a huge bonus given they’d be doing this journey for a little while until she could sort out alternative childcare.

  Frank was jigging Mia up and down in his arms, clicking his tongue, pretending to be a pony as he trotted towards the house.

  Kate had been right – Frank was delighted to see Mia, and Becca felt a new flush of guilt that she’d missed their visits the week before. Got to do better, she told herself as she grabbed her bag and followed them inside.

  She found them in the lounge, a large, oblong room at the front of the house, still decorated to her mum’s taste: a neutral palette for the walls, floors and seating, with bright flashes of colour in the cushions and the rug in front of the fire. An excited Mia was already emptying a plastic tub of cuddly toys which had been set in the middle of the floor. ‘Mummy, there’s unicorns!’ she squealed. ‘And doggies and pussycats and—’ she turned towards Becca, her arms full of the little creatures ‘—there’s dinosaurs!’

  ‘Oh my God, I remember these.’ Becca laughed and glanced at Frank, who was sitting in his armchair next to the fireplace, watching Mia with a satisfied smile on his face. ‘Beanie Babies. These were mine, weren’t they?’

  ‘That’s right. Quite a collection.’ Frank perched on the edge of his seat while Mia carried on emptying the box, sorting the animals into different piles that only she knew the relevance of. ‘I remember when you were young, we used to go into town, and you’d have your pocket money, and the only shop you wanted to go in was the one that sold these little things. Took you ages to decide which one you wanted next, and they kept bringing out new collections.’ He beamed at her. ‘I wish I could have bottled the joy in your heart when you came out of that shop clutching your latest baby.’ His eyes glistened. ‘Priceless.’

  ‘Happy days, Dad.’ Becca bent to pick up a cat, which was battered and misshapen but had been her favourite and the hero of many a game of make-believe. ‘I thought these had been thrown out years ago.’

  Frank looked at her, appalled. ‘God, no. I’d never throw anything of yours out. Not without asking.’ His expression changed. ‘Talking of throwing things out… We’ve been having a reorganise. Me and Kate. Or should that be Kate and me?’ He winked at Becca. ‘She likes to give me little jobs to keep me busy. Anyway, she got fed up of working in the dining room because I’m always disturbing her with the telly or playing my guitar, and her bedroom’s not big enough to get a desk in there as well as the bed and the wardrobe and whatnot.’ He sighed. ‘We had a bit of a set-to about it, to be honest, and she was all worked up because you hadn’t been over, and she felt everything was her responsibility.’ He pressed his lips together, frowning. ‘Anyway, long story short, she said it wasn’t working and she couldn’t stay here unless she had her own office, so I finally gave in and we’ve cleared out your old bedroom so she can use that. There’s a sofa bed in there for visitors, and like Kate says, it’s a waste just having it as a spare bedroom when she needs a proper office, and nobody comes to stay anyway.’

  Was that a little dig? It felt like it.

  Becca nodded, a little sad that she no longer had her own room in the house – the end of an era – but she could see that it made sense. Kate was doing her best to have a career and keep an eye on Frank, and Becca was grateful to her for her efforts. While Becca and Dean had still lived nearby, she popped in every day to help him sort out shopping and meals and laundry, practicalities he had no clue about. The problems had started when Dean suggested they move to Llandudno, to make things easier for his work. Once Becca wasn’t checking on Frank so often, it became obvious he wasn’t looking after himself properly.

  At the time, Becca had thought that it suited Kate to move back from Manchester.

  ‘It’s only a temporary thing,’ Kate had said when she’d rung to tell Becca of her plans. ‘To be honest, I’m not enjoying work at the moment. It’s time for a change, and I owe it to Mum to make sure Dad’s okay.’

  ‘Oh, Kate, that’s so good of you. As you say, it’s just till he finds his feet again, and I’ll help as much as I can.’ Becca had made the promise in good faith, completely unaware of the exhaustion that would come from going back to work while caring for a baby. Needless to say, her input had been minimal, and Kate had been left with the lion’s share of the responsibility. Once she’d moved in, Frank hadn’t wanted her to go again, getting upset at the very mention of being left on his own. After declining three excellent job offers over the years, Kate’s temporary solution had turned into a permanent fixture. As had the edge of resentment in her voice whenever she and Becca spoke.

  It’s only right she has a proper office, Becca told herself now, trying to remember what might be left in her old bedroom. If her cuddly toys had still been there, were there other things she’d forgotten about?

  Frank stood and stretched his back. Mia was now sitting in the box, happily chattering away to an audience of new friends, oblivious to what was going on around her. ‘She’ll be fine for a minute, won’t she?’ He walked to the door and beckoned for Becca to follow. ‘Come on up, see what we’ve done.’

  She followed Frank up the stairs and peered round the door of her old bedroom, a room she no longer recognised. Gone were all her posters and trophies from school, her nursing certificates and awards. Nothing of her remained on the blank white walls, or the swish new window blinds which had replaced her flowery curtains. Even the carpet was new – a corporate beige instead of the rusty red she’d once chosen herself.

  ‘Wow, a complete makeover,’ she said, the ghosts of her old furnishings still clear in her mind. ‘You got rid of my desk, then?’

  ‘It was too small. Kate said she needs to be able to spread out lots of paperwork. You know, receipts and invoices and the like. The dining room floor used to be covered with stuff, and I was always getting into trouble for messing it up. Opening the door too fast and creating a draught, then all these little scraps of paper would go flying everywhere.’

  Becca could see the rationale. The room was a good size for an office, and the sofa bed sat unobtrusively against the side wall, a coffee table and lamp next
to it. Kate’s large desk fitted along the far wall under the window, flanked by a couple of filing cabinets to the left. ‘It looks very…’ She pressed her lips together, trying to find a word that wouldn’t offend.

  ‘Sterile,’ Frank said, hands in his pockets, jingling his loose change. ‘Wouldn’t be my choice but I’ve had no say in the matter, and it’s Kate who’ll be working in here.’ He cleared his throat. ‘A bit of colour would be good, don’t you think?’

  Becca laughed and nudged her dad with her elbow. ‘I was thinking the same thing myself but didn’t want to say in case it was your choice.’

  ‘Give over,’ he scoffed. ‘White’s never been my favourite, has it? Not practical if you ask me.’ He scanned the room. ‘We only finished a couple of days ago. Got a few pictures to put up – you know those motivational sayings that Kate likes. And then we’re done.’ He turned to Becca. ‘In fact, while I think about it, I’ve some boxes of your stuff in my bedroom if you want to take them home and have a sort through?’ He turned and walked down the hallway, Becca following. ‘Just stuff from that little desk of yours and a few bits and pieces you’d left in the wardrobe.’

  He led her into the large double bedroom at the front of the house, and Becca noticed nothing had changed. Her mother’s embroidered pictures still hung in a group above the bed, her collection of wooden boxes that contained her craft materials sat on the dressing table. Her family of ornamental ducks still swam along the windowsill. There was even a little posy of fresh flowers in a vase on the bedside cabinet on the side where her mother used to sleep.

  A lump formed in Becca’s throat and she swallowed it down. It was weird how grief had a habit of hitting you out of nowhere. But seeing her mum’s things brought home to Becca how much she wanted her mother to still be around. She could feel herself being torn apart by her responsibilities, her emotions fighting each other for dominance. Each day her life was slipping further out of control to the point where it was starting to scare her. She sat on the bed, picked up the teddy that her mother had always kept on her pillow and put it to her nose. It smelt of lavender, her mum’s favourite.

  ‘I still miss her too,’ Frank said with a heavy sigh, sitting next to her. ‘But then, I don’t suppose you ever stop missing people you love.’

  Becca sniffed. ‘I’m sorry I’ve not been over more, Dad. But at least you’ve got Kate here for company.’

  Frank didn’t reply, just stared into space, one hand rasping over the stubble on his chin. Becca laid her head on his shoulder, and he put an arm round her, pulling her close. They sat like that for a little while until his voice broke the silence. ‘I’m grateful that she’s here,’ he said eventually. ‘But she can be snappy and it’s not always easy when—’

  ‘Mummy! Dandad! I need a wee.’ Mia’s voice cut into the conversation and Becca jumped up, rushing down the stairs. Mia was only just potty-trained, and the gap between her realising she needed the toilet and being unable to hold it in any longer was a couple of minutes at best. Becca ran into the lounge, swept her daughter into her arms and dashed to the little cloakroom under the stairs just in time.

  Mia gazed at her while she sat on the toilet. ‘Are you crying, Mummy?’

  Becca smiled and wiped the dampness from her cheeks. ‘No, love. Just having a laugh with Grandad.’ She couldn’t tell her daughter she was sad because Mia was such a sensitive child, it would make her sad too. She didn’t need to feel Becca’s pain, didn’t need to be involved in her emotional storm. And anyway, how could she ever explain?

  As she waited for Mia to finish, she wondered what Frank had been about to say. Is there still a problem between him and Kate that the new office hasn’t resolved? She knew they bickered – that was part and parcel of their relationship – but a serious falling out between her dad and Kate was the last thing she needed.

  There was no chance to go back to the conversation, ask her father what he meant, as Kate arrived home, full of news about a friend from school who’d just got the most amazing job offer. Then Becca was caught up in helping her make something to eat and the opportunity drifted away. Another time, she promised herself. Because she loved Frank with all her heart, and if he needed her support, then she wanted to be there for him. Like he’d been for her over the years.

  She was just about to leave when Kate put a hand on her shoulder and pulled her back into the kitchen while Frank and Mia sorted out which of the Beanie Babies was going to go with her for a sleepover.

  ‘I just need to ask you a favour,’ Kate whispered, obviously not wanting Frank to hear. ‘But this might sort out your childcare problem as well. I have some business to attend to in London, and with the trains and everything, I’m going to have to stay over. I was thinking Dad could come to you Friday and stay the night. What do you think? Might be a good experiment in relation to childcare, because I think he’d be all right keeping an eye on Mia for a morning if it was at your house, with all her toys and everything. And it would be a change for him. I’m sure he’d love it.’

  Becca had never had anyone to stay at their house in the three years they’d lived in Llandudno. It hadn’t been practical in their rental property as they hadn’t a spare room, but now she couldn’t offer that as an excuse. There was plenty of space in their new house, and if Frank stayed over, not only would it save her a lot of driving time, it would mean she wouldn’t have a battle to get Mia in the car.

  ‘You’ll have to invite him,’ Kate continued. ‘Otherwise he’ll think I’m shipping him off, trying to get rid of him.’ She sighed. ‘He’s so clingy sometimes. Honestly, it’s a job to get any time to myself without a full interrogation about where I’m going and why.’

  ‘Well, we can give it a try,’ Becca said, hoping Kate didn’t hear the note of panic in her voice. ‘He’ll be doing me a favour and it’ll be lovely having him to stay.’

  Having someone to stay was actually her worst nightmare. Another person to look after being one too many for her frazzled state of mind.

  It’s Dad, she told herself. He won’t mind the mess. Then another voice piped up in her head, the voice of her real fear. Will he notice the other stuff? Will he know that it’s happening again?

  6

  Mia was sleepy after her busy day, and Becca took the opportunity to get her to bed before Dean returned, in the hope that they could at last have some time together. She’d just got back downstairs when her phone rang. It was Dean.

  ‘Hey, sweetheart. I forgot to mention I’m going to meet the committee of the golf club tonight. They’ve invited me to talk about that new competition I’ve been wanting to launch for the local business community.’

  Her heart sank. It had been an emotional day, and she’d been looking forward to snuggling up on the sofa with a glass of wine, telling him about Ruth being ill and her dad coming to stay. Once again, she was home alone, nobody to share her news with.

  ‘Fine,’ she said and ended the call, wanting to throw the phone across the room while a silent scream filled her head.

  Connor. His name came out of nowhere, the events of the day having pushed him to the back of her mind.

  She tapped and swiped at her screen, opened Twitter and there it was, a message.

  Good news or bad? Has he forgiven me?

  The not knowing gave her a delicious little thrill, but given the sort of man Connor was, she thought she already knew the answer. She opened the fridge, took out a bottle of wine and poured herself a glass before walking into the lounge and getting herself settled on the sofa. The place where she always sat – curled up like a cat, feet underneath her, body tucked into the corner.

  She made herself wait, took a long sip of wine, then opened the message.

  Nothing to forgive :) Family had to come first. I couldn’t afford to come over there, you couldn’t get back here. I went on a trip after you left, lost my phone and all my contacts. Basically… shit happens … :(

  So that’s why he’d suddenly gone quiet. He’d lost her con
tact details. Hmm. That sounded a little lame. He knew her email address. He also knew Tina and could have asked her. But he would have been in seriously remote terrain. Just him and nature. He’d told her before about some of his trips, how it could be weeks before he saw anyone. She checked her thoughts – who was she to question when she hadn’t told him the truth? Did it really matter now?

  She took another sip of her wine and studied the mantelpiece, the row of family pictures staring back at her from their frames. My family. My future. Connor was her past. As a lover, anyway. But he can still be a friend, can’t he? Her fingers tapped out a reply.

  What are you up to? Married? Family?

  She watched the screen, waiting for an answer, but given the time difference, she knew it was unlikely to come. She drained her glass, put her phone down and went into the kitchen to get a refill. That’s when she saw the boxes she’d brought back from her dad’s house: three of them, stacked against the kitchen wall, where they were going to be in the way.

  Unsettled after Connor’s message, she put her glass down and opened the top box, finding it full of fashion accessories: belts and handbags, a couple of old purses, hair bands, a collection of baseball caps and a boxful of costume jewellery that she’d never wear again. All the detritus that had been left behind in her wardrobe when she’d moved out. Mia might like some of it for her dressing-up box, she decided, keeping a few bits and pieces that would be safe for a young child before putting the rest back in the box and taking it through to the utility room, ready to go to the tip.

  The next box was full of footwear: shoes and wellies, a pair of flippers, trainers and a couple of pairs of high heels that she wouldn’t be able to walk in now. She kept the flippers and wellies and put the box with the other one in the utility room.